found- first piece in a while

'found'

3ft X 2ft canvas

acrylic painting 

Art block, profoundly known as a phase when an artist cannot access their creativity and cannot bring themselves to create a new piece of work. Never in a million years did I think I would look at something and not think to myself, "that would make a great illustration". It was as if my mind forced me to not think and start becoming like everybody else, a basic cool girl.

Weirdly enough I think this obsession to become someone I was not, came from downloading social media, looking at the most famous and so-called perfect people started getting me to want to be like them. I started noticing that all my friends had this thing in them that made them ‘cool’. I stopped drawing for months trying to fit into what everybody else was into. 

October 2020 was when I finished my last piece, the autumn chill passed as my urge to make every sketch at the corner of a newspaper perfectly, slowly died and ghosted to wanting to make myself perfect, the colour of my skin perfect, what people perceive of me perfect. This perfection went on and felt so it wouldn't stop, every time I tried to sit down with a sketch pencil in my hand voices in my head said ‘you're not good enough.

I usually look forward to winters as the long-sleeved jackets and sweaters cover the white patches of vitiligo on my skin, but the winter passes by as my breath starts to get less foggy. My insecurities about myself grew and I didn't have the canvas to consult, I think I more so forgot it was there for me.

Anyways in May 2021, still not touched my paints, an image in my head forced itself on the corner of Page 4, Chapter 3 of my English Textbook and almost as a reflex action led itself on a piece of sketchbook paper. I didn't rush myself or even notice that I was slowly but surely getting over my anxiety, it all just kind of happened and became what it had to be, a self-love piece if you will. I just couldn't care about what everyone thought but somehow the feeling I had inside my head all along did not evaporate into thin air. It was still there but this time with more confidence and grace. I am not the same as others in a very strong, carefree and gleeful tone. 

It was almost like a cloud, some sunlight and its rain puts a smile on our face when we look out the window and say "Oh my goodness! A rainbow!". I am proud to not be like everybody else. Sure, I still doubt my looks every now and then but I am glad to have found myself and a path to self-love. 

The piece itself is a reminder to all who think they look ugly or don't fit in that it doesn't really matter. The mirror shows you a lot, a perfectly sculpted face or one that is not fitting into the mould. But I own up to these so-called flaws to make something bigger and better.

The painting is for all that feel they don't belong, to give them a safe place to connect and realize that they're not alone and that their beauty lies far within and has way more important than any social validation or acceptance. 

As for me, the painting is an imagination, me in my dream vintage- renaissance- cottage core zone, looking into a mirror trying to paint a self-portrait and realizing that my face is not my character, I reflect and paint an image of me wandering in the deepest forests of soul. It's a typical ‘I don't care’ slightly gloomy face, but weirdly enough it has layers of an insecure expression slowly building up to a girl who is confident in her own skin and simply doesn't give a damn about outside opinions. 

Her mind is at peace as she has tranquillized herself to the point that instead of hearing ‘you are not good enough’ she hears ‘you are more than enough'. She has found herself. 

         - Nandini Jain 2021

           @_nandinikjain_